By Bethany “BST2” Armstrong

In the wake of the storming of the Capitol, a wave of commentary about lockdown drills in schools has taken to Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Reddit. Congress was forced to hide behind desks and evacuate, they understood the fear that children all over America have experienced. It brought back my own memories of just a few years ago…

I sat in my principal’s office in a meeting when the call came through. She mouthed “lockdown” towards me, and I bolted for the lunchroom. I knew it was kindergarten lunch time and there were 100 5-year-old children watched by only 2 aides.

My training in crisis management told me to run to the emergency but, when you arrive, walk in completely calm. I beat the announcement and started nonchalantly closing and locking the lunchroom doors. I directed two tables to leave their food and walk to the storage room when the announcement “Lock down, internal threat.” came over the loudspeakers. I herded the stampede of students in, speaking in low soothing tones.

The students were packed in and I turned to lock us in only to discover there was no lock on the storage room double doors. They opened inward so I braced myself against the opening of them, hoping my weight would be enough to keep the threat from coming in.

One of my special needs students realized what was happening and started yelling, “My Sister! My Sister!”. I shushed her between her sobs, “You know Ms. Armstrong loves you and will keep you safe right? Your sister’s teacher loves her and will keep her safe too.” I promised to bring her to her sister as soon as possible but she had to stay quiet. She calmed.

I started playing the “quiet game” with the students. The students copied my movements… one finger on my nose, patting my head…. I kept making the motions more complex to hold their attention. Even in the darkened room, I could see their lips quivering.

My lips were quivering too. My legs were weak. Every hair on my body stood up. I wondered if I’d hear the bullet before I felt it. I pushed back against the doors harder. I had the errant thought that their lunches would be cold.

A half an hour passed, the longest 30 minutes of my life. Looking into the startled eyes of such little children was taking its toll. My body shook. I had just come to terms with the fact that I would do anything – die, kill, or cower – to keep these kids safe when the announcement of “All Clear” came over the speakers. I scooped up my student and ran her to her sister’s classroom. I set her down and she ran into her sister’s arms, both of them sobbing.

There was no active shooter that day, just a high school kid making threats that were taken very seriously. I’ve had about a half-dozen lockdowns that were not drills. Every single one has left their mark. I hope now that people in power have felt this fear, change will happen. I hate to say I doubt it.

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