Denial…

By Radical Rhymes

I’m going to start this piece with a well-worn joke: name a river in Egypt… De-Nile. Okay, so it was probably very funny at the time it was coined, but now? Well-worn.

Something that definitely isn’t funny is being diagnosed with a mental illness. For me it came later in my life, and perhaps that’s why I have struggled so desperately with acceptance.

There were signs, of course, even early on. One Christmas, I must have been around fourteen, I spent literally in tears. I cried for the entire Holiday. My family didn’t know how to respond, so they simply ignored it until the waterworks dried up.

The irony was that it was the first year that I received most of the things I’d asked for. We were poor, so that hadn’t really happened before. When my parents and sister did acknowledge what was going on they speculated that I was overwhelmed – but I wasn’t.

Quite simply, I was depressed.

Brought up in a financially struggling household defined by physical ill health it was hard for me. Consequently, my mental framework was flimsy from the beginning.

Half a lifetime later, as I was entering the fourth major collapse, I was diagnosed as bipolar two combined with extreme social anxiety. This made sense, and I have come to believe that my upbringing allied with chemical problems have contributed to my emotional and psychological melt downs.

But despite the diagnoses and the treatment, I still cannot quite embrace the truth at times. My go to response is to blame myself for low moods and erratic behavior. Knowing that I am not ‘normal’ does not mean that I fully believe it.

That is not to excuse the mistakes I’ve made, nor to shirk responsibility entirely, but, there is also no running away from the fact that I have mental health difficulties.

Of course, society is moving forward to some extent, there is more awareness and support, but we are not there yet. We want to blame people for their failings, because it’s much harder to understand them. My employers just wanted me to leave, even though I was good at my job.

My hope is that I will eventually fully process that I am mentally ill, and that society can do the same – without throwing people and their skills and abilities away.

I sincerely hope…

Radical Rhymes is a professional artist working with a range of media – predominantly animal/human portraits and landscapes – including, most recently, hand painted furniture. You can see his work on Instagram Radicalrhymes1969 or on Twitter @RhymesRadical.

For commissions, please contact him on Twitter via Direct Message or by email at: radicalrhymes@outlook.com His work is also available to buy on Etsy

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