Doctor Curmudgeon® One Starry Night…

[AdSense-A]

By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist

Doctor Curmudgeon® sits at her computer (of course, where else would she be these days?)

This column is titled “One Starry Night…” only because that phrase felt very soothing to her.

Previously, she had answered questions in a column, but with the advent of telemedicine, many people preferred to seek her advice “face to face.” Although, she was now able to be seen, she still refused to put on makeup or dress well. Her lounging attire was good enough! (However, she did continue to shower)

LET THE TELEMEDICINE BEGIN!!!!!!!

This is a transcript, unedited, of portions of some of those calls

PATIENT: Hey, Doc thanks for straightening out my meds. But I have another problem…so don’t go away.

DOCTOR: OK.

PATIENT: I don’t know what to do about the noise.

DOCTOR: Noise? Ringing in your ears? This is new.

PATIENT: Nah. It’s the neighbors.

DOCTOR: I can’t discuss other patients.

PATIENT: Oh no, Doc. I don’t know if they’re your patients. And I won’t name names.

DOCTOR: I don’t understand.

PATIENT: I can’t sleep, because they have parties outside and laugh and play music until 2 AM

DOCTOR: (Wishing he could not see the expression on her face) So what? You’re staying home. You can sleep in the day.

PATIENT: But I want the noise to stop.
DOCTOR: (with visible face slap). Just call them and tell them politely to keep the noise down after a certain time.

PATIENT: I don’t have their phone number.

DOCTOR: I don’t believe you’re wasting my time with this. Just put on your face mask, stay at least six feet away and talk to them!

PATIENT: OK, But I won’t wear a face mask. They’re my neighbors.

DOCTOR: Then just get ear plugs and suck up the noise! (now screaming) Always wear your face mask outside…unless you have a death wish!

PATIENT: You are a nasty person. You are screaming at me.

DOCTOR: And you are an idiot!

And another telemedicine experience for Doctor Curmudgeon®

PATIENT: Hi, Doc. This is just great. I am walking, exercising just like you always want me to do.
(aside:”Hy there…good to see you. Nah…I don’t have to wear a mask. It’s the great outdoors!)

DOCTOR: (Too horrified to even make a sound)

PATIENT: Doc? Are you OK? You just seem to be staring at me

DOCTOR: You stupid idiot! JUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK!

A MESSAGE FROM DOCTOR CURMUDGEON®

As others before her have screamed JUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK!

(EDITORIAL NOTE: THIS IS GALAHAD AND AS MOST OF YOU KNOW I AM THE SIBERIAN HUSKY WHO KEEPS THE CURMUDGEON HOUSE RUNNING AND ESPECIALLY WATCHES OVER THE SMALL BIPED CURMUDGEON. THE PHRASE “JUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK” IS NOT ORIGINAL. LEST SHE BE ACCUSED OF PLAGIARISM, I FEEL THE NEED TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. THIS PHRASE CAME FROM MANY DIFFERENT SOURCES AND IT IS UNCLEAR TO WHOM “FIRST PERSON” OF THIS PHRASE CAN BE ATTRIBUTED.)

Doctor Curmudgeon® is Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D., a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors.

SERMO www.sermo.com “talk real world medicine”

[si-contact-form form=’2′]