The Test Donald Trump Is Hiding From the World!
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By Donald “Braveheart”Stewart
Mr Trump Takes a Test
It’s midday in the not so Oval Office in the not so White House and Mr Trump is excited. He has been told that he has to take a test. I am so good at tests, he says to himself. He replies, yes you are, you are the best at taking the tests. He couldn’t agree more, he says, nobody knows how to take a test better than me…
Picture the scene…
There is a group of people outside of the room having a discussion. They each have COVID-19 testing kits in their hands and are playing rock, paper, scissors to work out who will get the job of going in and testing the President. They have tried already to decide by who is the oldest, who is the youngest, who has grey eyes and who has three feet, but they still can’t decide and they have been discussing it now for three hours.
One of the security detail, asks, “Should it not be his doctor?”
They all look at him like he is dumb. One of the people who is in the huddle says, “You mean the one who says he is really healthy and there is nothing wrong with him?”
The one who asked the question suddenly feels like the dumbest man in the room. “Wow,” he thinks. “Is this what being Mr Trump actually feels like, like all the time?”
At that, there is a door handle being squeezed and they all realize that the President is about to make an appearance. They all start to back away shoving each other to the front whispering to each other, “you do it.”
Mr Trump looks at the group and his excitement rises. Realizing this he readjusts his pants to hide it and then asks, “So what do I have to do in this test?”
One of his security detail – not the one who asked the question – is thrown forward and is now standing right in front of Mr Trump.
“Well sir,” he begins. “You know how Mr O’Brien got sick?”
Mr Trump looks at him trying to remember who Mr O’Brien was. He thinks that every time he gets used to their faces they seem to change. He wonders how that happens and is starting to try and wonder when he realizes that the man who was in front of him a minute ago is talking again…
“Sir? Sir? Sir? Are you alright sir?”
Mr Trump stands up straight like his mother said he always ought and looks at this guy right in the eye. That’s funny, he thinks, he used to have two eyes…
He says, “Yes.” He says it with such authority that the man steps back a little because he has been taken aback by the force of his response. He recovers, “Well sir, we need to test everyone to see if they have this virus thing.”
Mr Trump gets disappointed. He thought this was all done. He had seen the figures and his country was way ahead on the map. Surely, they could just stop doing all this nonsense? Surely now that the USA had the best figures, they would call it their victory and we could all go back to normal? Now they even wanted him to wear a mask. He realized that he quite likes wearing a mask. In fact, the last time he had worn one had been in that club that Jeffrey and that girl with the funny name had…
“Sir? Sir? Sir? Are you alright sir?”
Mr Trump stands up straight like his mother said he always ought and looked again at this guy right in the eye. That’s funny, he thinks, I don’t know why…
“Yes?” he says but with less authority than before.
“Sir, we need to take a test that will involve a swab.”
“A what?”
The man in front of him is now not able to explain what a swab is before a woman in a nurse’s outfit steps forward. He thinks, where did she spring from?
There are a few people in the room who know exactly where she sprang from but none of them are going to say, as she addresses the President and says, “Sir, we need you to be better than the rest sir. The rest have taken the test and to be frank sir, may I be frank?”
He thinks that her name can’t be Frank, but she has such an air of authority he is not going to challenge her. He says, “yes?”
“We need the best sir. We need the man who can do this better than anyone sir. We need the man who knows more about testing than anyone else does, sir. I think that’s you sir.
Mr Trump stands up straight like his mother said he always ought and looks at this woman square in the eye. “I am that man!” Mr Trump says.
“I thought so sir,” she continues. “Now open up.” Mr Trump looks confused and mumbles, “Isn’t that what you…” She realizes what is happening. “Your mouth sir,” she clarifies quickly.
Mr Trump does so. She shoves the thing in, he gags and she takes it out. She salutes, turns to the crowd, puts the swab in the bag and says over her shoulder. “I shall be back soon with sir’s medication.”
Oh, Mr Trump thinks. I like my medication. He is back in the not so Oval Office before anyone notices he is gone.
Later that day the results come in. Many are disappointed it was negative.
Whilst the author asserts his right to this as an almost original tale, any similarities to persons real or imagined are deliberate. However as there is little or no evidence that Mr Trump has ever used material by legendary Scottish comedian, Chic Murray when talking (especially about looking at the eyes and thinking there used to be two of them), as far as he is aware, this is clearly fictional and never actually happened.
The fact is that the national security advisor and one of the entourage refusing to wear a mask, Robert O’Brien has tested positive for COVID-19. The White House has insisted there was “no risk” of the resident being infected. We just wondered how they knew.
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