Finding Love At 50

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By Stacy Koruba

I began a beautiful love affair about 9 months ago. It is with someone I have known for an exceptionally long time. A person I have had mixed feelings about. At times I loved this person, most times though I could not stand them. Do not get me wrong, I tried my hardest to overlook their “flaws”, but it just seemed like often everything they did irritated me. I am going to be completely human and admit that their looks even bothered me. I know that is not “nice” to say, but it is the truth. After some deep reflection I came to understand that much of my judgement was based off what others had said about this person. I allowed their feelings and negativity to sour my own views. In November of last year I began working a lot on myself and longed to give this relationship one last try, only this time I needed to set aside everything I had ever thought in the past and begin fresh. If there were any hope of a future, I was willing to put forth every effort I had in me to make it work.

I approached things as if I were meeting a total stranger. That seemed like the sensible thing to do. Wipe away any negative thoughts I had left and reintroduce ourselves. Man, it was SO awkward at first. I discovered that even though I knew this person forever, I never took the time to really LOOK at them. I had avoided direct eye contact in the past. The first time I looked into their eyes I got butterflies and felt electric shocks tugging at my heart strings through my feet from the center of the Universe. Many people do not believe in love at first sight, but I found it now. I knew right then that we were soul mates! Everything just tied together perfectly after that.

Conversations between the two of us flowed very easily. I found it difficult not to be their constant companion and number one cheerleader and they were always there for me. I never allowed myself to experience anything like this before because I have always been very leery of everyone’s motives. I loved every thought they had. The more I looked at them the more beautiful they became to me. I loved their smile and the twinkle in their eye, the way they smiled back at me when I looked at them. Spending time together was great for my mental state and I found myself becoming healthier physically and mentally than I had ever been before. It was the very first time in my life that I could be 100 percent honest with someone about every single thought I had without fear of judgment. I found a love and a bond that was stronger than any I had ever had with my parents, children, siblings, friends, or spouses. It was something I had been seeking and searching for my entire 50 years on this planet and I am so glad I tried one more time to find it.

The love affair I began 9 months ago was with myself. Growing up abused and then marrying an abuser in my first marriage makes it exceedingly difficult to know how to love yourself. I have been married to a wonderful man for 22 years, he is my best friend and loves me hard, but his love for me could not change my hatred and disappointment in myself. Only I could do that. I decided to take a self- discovery journey in November because my mental state was the worst it had ever been. I never really had an identity of my own, as I had spent a lifetime trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. I had spent me entire life avoiding mirrors. I have suffered from body dysmorphia and eating disorders. With the help of the best therapist I have ever had, I have learned to get to know myself, appreciate who I am and love that person. All of me. My imperfections and all. I am my best friend. I enjoy spending time with me. I have been with me from the time I took my first breath and will be here until I take my last. Until knowing how to love and accept myself I was incapable of allowing others to love me completely and believe I was incapable of loving others with the love that I can give them now. Getting to know myself has been the best thing I have ever done for me; I only wish I had done it a lot sooner. I believe that everyone should make time for themselves more often. Appreciate who you are more. You must be the most important person in your life so that you can function well in all rolls in your life.

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