Doctor Curmudgeon® More and More Questions

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By Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAP Doctor Eisman, is in Family Practice in Aventura, Florida with her partner, Dr. Eugene Eisman, an internist/cardiologist

Much to the chagrin of Sir Galahad, the brilliant Siberian Husky who cares for the entire Curmudgeon Household, and thus oversees everything; Doctor Curmudgeon has been making noise about resuming her unpopular question and answer column. This column had been published in an unsuspecting Miami newspaper, unedited because the editor of the advice column had been hysterically searching for filler for his page. The column was also done in real time as the physician spoke with people who sent her queries.

Yes, indeed, Doctor Curmudgeon spoke with her “readers” as she typed their question and her answers. Sir Galahad had even more concerns about this as her tone could be less than congenial
And her typing went straight to the poor, new editor, who immediately published them.
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PERSON: “Doc, I really need some advice.
CURMUDGEON; “So, continue. Isn’t that why you called?”
PERSON: “it’s the nose stuff I’m using. My nose hurts and it’s bleeding. Help!”
CURMUDGEON: “So, stop using it. Call the physician who prescribed it.”
PERSON: “Oh no, Doc. Nobody prescribed it. You certainly aren’t up to date! It’s all over the Internet… that if you put hand sanitizer up your nose, you don’t have to wear a mask and it stops you from getting COVID.”
CURMUDGEON: “You are an idiot.”

SECOND PRESON: “So glad to talk with you Doc. My right hip’s been hurting for the past two weeks. And it’s worse when I sit down.
CURMUDGEON: “What happened two weeks ago? Did you fall? Slip on your dirty kitchen floor? Get bitten by your irritable dog who’s been walked less?”
SECOND PERSOND: “None of that.”
CURMUDGEON: “Get a heavy package in the mail that you had to pick up?”
SECOND PERSON: “Nothing heavier than a new wallet in the mail. Didn’t do anything heavier than stuff junk into it. Pain started that night.”

CURMUDGEON: “Is it now thicker than your old wallet? Is it in your right back pocket?”
SECOND PERSON: “Yeah…and that’s a dumb question for a supposedly smart doc!”
CURMUDGEON: “You, too, are an idiot. Just take out the damn wallet. Remove 92 percent of the stuff. Stick it somewhere else. Your choice.”

THIRD PERSON: “Oh, Doctor Curmudgeon. I am one of your patients and I’ve been working from home, having food delivered, wearing a mask if I go outside…but I have a real problem now. My husband insists we fly to our niece’s wedding in another state.”
CURMUDGEON: “Don’t”
THIRD PERSON: “But this is very important, he says. And he says there will only be about 150 people…which is considered a small wedding in our family.”
CURMUDGEON : “You wanted my advice? Here it is. For the second time, don’t go, stay home.”
THIRD PERSON: “But he insists!”
CURMUDGEON: “Divorce him.”

SECOND PERSON CALLING AGAIN: “DOC, You are great!!! I cleaned out my wallet, and actually stopped stuffing it in my right back pocket and my right hip pain is gone!”
CURMUDGEON: “And it only took my more than fifteen thousand hours of training!”
Gently taking the phone from the curmudgeon’s hands, Sir Galahad turned off the computer, removed her from the desk, escorted her to a comfortable chair, placed an Agatha Christie novel in her hands and said “Enough.”
Whispering to his retreating back, the physician whispered, “Ha! For THIS week!”

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