“Stacy Speaks” I’m a Monster, I Don’t Want This, Need Help, Drug Testing & New “Normal”

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Hosted By Stacy Koruba

Stacy,

Mine and my boyfriend’s financial situation made it so that I had to ask my Mom to be the main signer on a new house for us, I am the cosigner. I’m in my 30’s and have 3 children and owning seemed like the better option now with a family. She agreed right away. After we closed, she told me that I had to cut of contact with my Dad and Stepmom. My Dad had given me $4000 to pay off credit card bills so that I could get approved to be co-signer, now his wife is acting as if I am a monster. Am I supposed to pick a home over them? My Mom is the one that was there for my me and my brother every day. My Dad had it easy, he moved to a different state and got us 12 weeks out of the year and flew in to see us when he felt like it. He paid his child support, but she worked hard to make sure we had food on the table every day. If he didn’t want to be cut out of our lives, he should not have walked out of them 25 years ago, and now I am the monster?

Lauren,
Naperville, IL

Hi Lauren,

I am not sure what sort of advice you are looking for from me? From what your words say you feel justified in your actions of cutting two people out of your life over a possession. I wonder how that has made your children feel? I do not know all the personal details, only the ones you shared. You felt comfortable enough asking your Dad for $4000.00 to pay off your credit card debt. It does not sound like he ever walked out of your life, he divorced your Mom. Many people’s marriages end, many parents really do walk out on their children. I did not see my biological Dad from the time I was 5 until I was in my 30’s and had to search for him. In the end you must live with the decisions you have made. If you are comfortable with this one that is what matters. It is not up to me to judge if you are a monster or not, your heart will tell you.

Dear Stacy,

I hope this finds you well! I’m stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in. My husband has invited his Mom and siblings and their family to our home for Thanksgiving, even though I didn’t agree. In fact, I said clearly that I’m not OK with this. My MIL is in her late 80’s. My SIL works in a hospital and her daughter attends school in person. My husband and I had worked at home since March and don’t leave the house for anything, we take care of our MIL and I don’t like that we are going to put her at risk – over a holiday meal. Stanley is not willing to budge with this. There will be a total of 16 outsiders in our house that day besides my husband, me and my MIL. This makes me sick to my stomach and angry. Why don’t any of her own kids or adult grand kids seem to care? What would you do?

Cathy,
Grand Rapids, MI

Hello Cathy,

If it were my husband and our home, I would argue over the fact that I do not feel safe or comfortable with this situation until my husband agreed with me. I would call every sibling and let them know that I was not comfortable having them at my home and I would explain the reasons why. While you can not control what they do in their own homes you do have a say so in yours. Your husband can make the decision to go and have a meal with his family somewhere else, but he does not get to decide to expose you. If he wants to quarantine from you after having a meal with his family that would be his choice. I am not sure where the MIL stands in this decision or if she even understands what is best for her. This is one meal, there will be many more. No one is certain that will be the case if everyone celebrates the Holidays as if we are not in the middle of a pandemic. I am not sure what your options are but if he insists on doing this without your approval you are going to have to find a way to quarantine from him and anyone else that was exposed in your home for 14 days. I am sorry that you are finding yourself in this position and I wish you luck.

Hi Stacy,

I relocated to Florida last year with my husband when I retired. We moved from New Jersey. My parents are still there and are in their late 80’s. I have a younger sister that still lives there. As the time goes on, I’m finding myself becoming more and more resentful with her. Lori doesn’t seem to take any interest in my parents and refuses to step up when they need her. Before I left, we agree that I would come back two weeks every three months to help and come back for any big issues. I’m back now because Mom was having back issues and ended up in the hospital. I was back 2 weeks ago because Dad’s legs were swollen, and Lori couldn’t make time to take him to the Dr. I’m finding out that over the summer there was a four day period that they were without electric and she never went to their house to bring them food or empty the spoiled food from the fridge or try to get the to a hotel and out of the heat. They were afraid to cause problems, so they never told me. She never checks up on them. I have been back an extra seven times besides my two weeks every three months. Had she not agreed to helping I would never have moved. They don’t want to relocate with me, and Mom just had back surgery. I tried to talk to Lori about it and she just shrugs her shoulders. I think my parents are too old and frail to make a long distance move now. Lori benefits monthly from money that my parents give to her but doesn’t want to help in any kind of way. I promised them that I would never put them in a home. I am at my wits end.

Donna,

Port St. Lucie FL

Hi Donna,

Family does not always do what they say they are going to or what is right. They only concern right now is doing what is best for your parents. If Lori refuses to help them and you don’t think they could make a move to Florida and you are spending more time back in New Jersey now perhaps it’s time to figure out a way to be back in New Jersey with them for right now. I know that is not what you had planned for your life, but sometimes life presents us with things we did not count on. Maybe rent out your home in Florida for now and stay with your parents for a while until you see what happens. I would plan to sit down with your parents and Lori and make it clear that you are going to be the main care giver which means that you are changing your life plans. Perhaps that means Lori stops getting any money from them and it goes to you to help compensate for your move or added expenses for having to maintain living in two states. I know that this is a difficult position to be in, I relate to you. The only thing you can do is make a plan that is better than what you are doing now and stick to it, just make sure that the plan provides ways for you to be happy as well.

Stacy,

What do you think about drug testing adult children that live in your home? Do you think it is an invasion of their privacy, or do I have a right to do it since they are living under my roof? My 27-year-old son moved back home last April to try to get sober. He was going to AA meeting all the time and doing so good. For the past 2.5 months he makes excuses about going and his behavior has seemed erratic. He uses a breathalyzer and its always fine, but there are times he seems out of it, or high. I gave him a drug test two nights ago when he was acting weird and he threw a fit and told me I had a lot of nerve and called me all sorts of bad names. He packed his bags and moved out in the middle of the night and stole a lot of money and personal items from me when he moved. He sent me a text saying parents support their kids and I never loved him or else I would not accuse him of anything, and he denied stealing from me. He is telling my family that I am the reason he left.

Traci

Tulsa, OK

Traci,

Drug testing your adult child that lives in your home is your RIGHT, always, any time you feel a need to do it. I understand that it may feel offensive to the person you are asking to do it, but unless they have something to hide they are going to take it, to show you that they are negative. You would not be asking if they had not given you a reason to question them in the past. It sounds like he is manipulating you, trying to make you feel like you did something wrong to take the focus off him. YOU know that he stole from you, there is no excuse for that. Any rational person would have taken the test regardless of how annoyed they were just to prove you wrong. He is an adult, living under your roof and he needed to follow the rules of your home. Do not allow him to make you feel as if you are the one that did something wrong. You did what was best for you and him and did not enable him this time. I know it is a difficult thing to do but setting boundaries are important for the both of you.

Hey Stacy,

2020 has been a bad year, & I know it has for everyone, but I just don’t think it’s every going to be the same. So much has changed that I don’t know how I get back to what was once “normal”. I don’t want to see other people anymore. I don’t want to do anything. Everything is exactly the same every single day. I find myself even eating the same things, watching the same things on TV, texting the same stuff to friends over and over again. How do you change all that even after there is a vaccine and we get to go back?

Joe,

Oakland, CA

Hey Joe,

You are right, 2020 has been shitty! Does life have to be the “same” though? I think that once there is a vaccine some things will go back to the way they were, and the way that is going to happen will just flow into place, the same way all of the abnormal things have happened over this year. It was not normal for all of us to stay inside and not want to see other people, or to eat the same things every day or watch the same things. Those things just become “normal” because we got used to doing them. We adapt and we will continue adapting to things as they change. We can create or own “normal”, even now. You do not have to stay in the house all the time, you can go outside and go for walks and go for picnics and pick up takeout food. You can pick up a new hobby, take this time to learn new things, start taking photos or journaling, or exercising. There are hundreds of thousands of different shows available to watch, maybe even try watching something you never thought you would be interested in and see if your tastes have changed. You do not have to eat the same foods; you can try a new recipe every single day. You change when you try to change. Stop waiting for the old way of life to return, because we don’t know what that is going to happen, start creating new parts of your daily life that are fun and adventurous, they may be better than your old “normal”.

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