When You Know Better You Do Better…

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By Bethany “BST2” Armstrong

“Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child” the preacher man sayeth. “I was spanked when I was a kid and I turned out fine.” says the lady that refuses to wear a mask and voted Trump. “Kids these days need discipline.” says the gruff old farmer who is unable to express any emotion but anger.

The American Academy of Pediatrics said more than twenty years ago… “Look for alternatives to spanking”. Two years ago… “Don’t Spank.” They aren’t alone. The American Medical Association, Psychologists for Social Responsibility. APA’s Committee on Children, Youth and Families (CYF) and the Board for the Advancement of Psychology in the Public Interest plus a host of child-development experts and trauma experts agree.

Here’s the science: When you spank, scream, shame, verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexual abuse a child… the brain changes. First the brain releases Cortisol – the stress hormone, the fight or flight juice – then receptors, located all over your body, take in the cortisol, and start shutting down systems that are not high priority for survival.

That little swat you gave because your precious child is having a developmentally appropriate tantrum? Because they had the gall to embarrass you in the Grocery Store? It screwed with their growth, their immune system, their reproductive system, their high-level thinking processes… What do you think happens when the one who should comfort a child when they are distressed is the very person who put them in distress? Nothing good. A breakdown of trust, a fear of authority, a lifetime battle with mental illness.

Every smack increases the likelihood of future of drug-use, increased aggression, anxiety and depression, heart disease, digestive issues, weight gain, stunted mental, emotional, and physical growth… there are no good outcomes for children that are given corporal punishment. So why is it still happening?

Well, part of it is religious dogma that advocates for harming children in an effort to make them “less sinful” or some such. Proverbs 22:15 “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.” Proverbs 20:30 “Blows that wound cleanse away evil; strokes make clean the innermost parts.” Hebrews 12:6-7 “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?”

Part of it is the outdated notion of parent “rights” over their children, that human rights are only reserved for adults. The right to discipline, the right to force religious ideology, the right to withhold vaccinations or medical treatment, the right to leave them in front of an electronic babysitter… It’s eerily similar to the mindset of less than a hundred years ago when a man “had to” discipline his wife, when a woman was considered less than human.

Part of it is expedience. Your child is naughty, rebellious, pushing boundaries (DEVELOPMENTALLY NORMAL THINGS) and a slap will make them stop. That reinforces the idea that it works. It also gives a rush of self-righteousness to the person who delivers the blow. Then the shame and blame dominoes fall. Time to double down with some cognitive dissonance. Our hotdog brain just loves cycles.

Part of it is some weird idea that just because you survived abuse, bullying, spanking or whatever TRAUMA, your offspring should have to as well. Because you turned out “okay” it’s “okay” that your children suffer? If you were spanked, you are not okay. You have less gray matter, your vocabulary is lower, you’re more aggressive and less empathetic. You could have been so much more. Happier, healthier, smarter… None of that is okay. Your experience sucked and I’m sorry.

Maya Angelou said “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Now you know. Now you can research further. Now you can do better.

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