This Christmas…

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By Bethany “BST2” Armstrong

I have been “off the grid” for a while now. My Dad has Stage Four Cancer. Fuck. Is 70 the new 90? This may be our last Christmas together.

In previous years, my sister and I had an unspoken Christmas Challenge… who could find the perfect gift for Dad? What could make the stoic sentimentalist tear up a little bit? Bonus points if he has to leave the room or if he blames it on allergies. Good times.

One year I made a CD of all the weird jingles he used to sing to us. “A little dab will do ya!”, “It’s Shake N Bake and I helped!”, and “Kids are kids. Kids will do things only kids will do!” That was a win.

Once I made a playlist of the weird songs he’d sing to us: He used to wake us up singing “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! You sleepyhead. Get up! Get up! Get up! Get out of bed!” over and over until we finally would get out of bed just to make him stop. Car trips were full of Roger Miller’s “My Uncle used to love me but she died.”, Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah”, and Loudon Wainwright III’s “Dead Skunk.” That one only got a chuckle.

I found a copy of the book my Dad would read to us over and over again. On eBay… in Europe. The Wild Baby by Barbro Lingren… I can still recite it from memory. “Mama loved her baby Ben, her small and precious child. But he always disobeyed her. He was reckless, loud, and wild…” I got bonus points that year.

This year there is no win. This year there is no gift that could possibly express everything I feel for the man who gave me life, who was the Papa to my children and, for many years, was the only rational man in my children’s lives. The man who gave me a wicked sense of humor, a love for animals, and a taste for dessert for dinner?

How can I find a gift that says “I know you? I love you. You are a good Dad and Papa and Man. You always gave your best. Thank you.”? And do they have it in an XXL?

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